Johanna, woman, twenties, South India 

TRIGGER WARNING: Gender-Based Violence

I travel by public transport a lot and it is more often than not very crowded. The chances of getting groped and felt up for a woman in a bus are super high. Normally, the conductor on the bus ensures that the women feel safe and calls out unnecessary behavior, in addition to the woman in question and everyone in the bus.

In one particular bus, the conductor himself was a pervert and he was extremely busy rubbing himself against different women in the bus. Most of the women just sadly accepted their fate and didn’t say much. When it came to me I didn’t know what was happening and what he was doing until he did it. While I wanted to scream, I realised that I couldn’t formulate words and that I was frozen in the spot. I hoped the bus would move faster. Slowly, the man moved away from me and I let out a sigh of relief. I was also tearing up at this point. I had a full blown breakdown once I got off the bus.

The whole incident made me feel small, lesser and hopeless. I was disturbed and
hated being a highly female presenting woman. I felt a lot of guilt for keeping quiet too.

I didn’t take buses after that for a while and I do not trust easily because I believe somewhere deep down that men have it in them to be perverted and use a woman’s body no matter what. I ensured I was always with a friend after that - whenever I had to travel by bus. I also shared my story with my friends and ensured they supported me in any way they could. I also thought about what I could do if this happened next time.

The whole experience made me believe that control of a certain situation is sometimes low. I also saw myself as weak for a while. I looked up self-defense classes and sought therapy actively as the incident left me with less morale and a lot of doubt about the world.

My best friend at the time pushed me to take action and be vocal about what I felt and what had happened. She made me understand that while I felt like I didn’t have much control over everything, I did. She said it was possible for us to file a complaint and get the person to pay for whatever had happened.

I didn’t do that, as I was tired and I didn’t want to be part of a huge fight and an escalated problem. In spite of that she stood by me and ensured that I felt safe. She reinstated the sense of safety and also made my journey to hope again easier in a sense.

To others facing similar experiences, I’d say: find your people and believe that it is not your fault. It more often than not can be attributed to an unfortunate circumstance. I also believe that speaking up whenever you can is definitely something you can do.